This is close to things I ponder. Here's where I have settled and for reference I do also see regret as an incredible phenomenon that we all are lucky to get to have, just as we are lucky to get to die. As for regret, I have reasoned there are a million and one ways to regret any particular decision, because I have no control over the final outcome of things. The only variable I have any control over is me, and a strong argument can be made that I don't even have control of that, none of us do. Our brains make decisions "behind our backs" all the time. So what I do is that I just accept regret of some form is possible and make whatever decision that minimizes my feeling of it. Which will I regret more: proposing to her or not proposing? Applying to that school or not? Creating a start-up or not? Accepting this job offer, moving to this far off place, strengthening this relationship, getting the serious surgery, buy a house, etc.,...or not? When I come to crossroads I select the path I forecast as reasonably as possible will produce the least amount of regret. That's a rule of thumb that has worked more times than not for me but it does take self-knowledge and moreover a complete and total willingness to accept any outcome at all once the die is cast. In other words, to draw the sword at the decisive moment of truth already completely ready to die in battle. The not knowing is absolutely part of the process, it is part of the fun of being alive.
wow, very beautifully said. "a complete and total willingness to accept any outcome at all once the die is cast...to draw the sword at the decisive moment of truth already completely ready to die in battle." this seems like the most healthy way to go about trying to minimize regret...regret is a useful signal after all!
Kasra, this is golden. Regret is grief…and a luxurious one! “An inherent grief for all the things we’ve chosen not to do” because of the weighty freedom we have to choose. Thx for writing. Have you read Simone de Beauvoir on ambiguity?
Great piece! Here's what I tell myself: You cannot know everything and will never know everything. Wisdom is not a static state but an ongoing process. All the decisions you make are the most coherent one you could've done given your psychic constitution and circumstances at that point in time (it's no bad parts all the way down). Regrets matter in-so-far as it helps shape a wiser, more congruent, more whole self and decisions in the present, so change the you right here right now. Lamenting the past while not doing anything about you right now is to place the burden of change on a you that can fundamentally never be changed, which is a way to avoid ever taking real responsibility. Failure is a felt result of when the finite you comes in dynamic, alive contact with the infinite this. To not fail is to be brittle, inert, and dead.
This reminds me of this idea that the genie produces disastrous results because it's taking the shortest path possible / least levers pulled to the end goal - you wish for wealth and both sets of your grandparents die and you get their inheritance money, and so on.
To have the genie produce the perfect result would require accounting for all of the possible factors in the universe, which is to say that it would be impossible. Perfection isn't something fully grokkable by us, much less reachable, and our noble nature is to strive towards it and inevitably fall short, and then do it again anyway. Given this, failure is inevitable, shortcoming is inevitable, the no-longer-having of the good situation or thing is inevitable.
What matters, it seems to me, is if I can remain grounded in and intimately with the messiness of living, while I continue to be pulled towards the infinite, driven not from a fear of failure but by a love for it, for how I ceaselessly become transformed by being in touch with it.
This is close to things I ponder. Here's where I have settled and for reference I do also see regret as an incredible phenomenon that we all are lucky to get to have, just as we are lucky to get to die. As for regret, I have reasoned there are a million and one ways to regret any particular decision, because I have no control over the final outcome of things. The only variable I have any control over is me, and a strong argument can be made that I don't even have control of that, none of us do. Our brains make decisions "behind our backs" all the time. So what I do is that I just accept regret of some form is possible and make whatever decision that minimizes my feeling of it. Which will I regret more: proposing to her or not proposing? Applying to that school or not? Creating a start-up or not? Accepting this job offer, moving to this far off place, strengthening this relationship, getting the serious surgery, buy a house, etc.,...or not? When I come to crossroads I select the path I forecast as reasonably as possible will produce the least amount of regret. That's a rule of thumb that has worked more times than not for me but it does take self-knowledge and moreover a complete and total willingness to accept any outcome at all once the die is cast. In other words, to draw the sword at the decisive moment of truth already completely ready to die in battle. The not knowing is absolutely part of the process, it is part of the fun of being alive.
wow, very beautifully said. "a complete and total willingness to accept any outcome at all once the die is cast...to draw the sword at the decisive moment of truth already completely ready to die in battle." this seems like the most healthy way to go about trying to minimize regret...regret is a useful signal after all!
Kasra, this is golden. Regret is grief…and a luxurious one! “An inherent grief for all the things we’ve chosen not to do” because of the weighty freedom we have to choose. Thx for writing. Have you read Simone de Beauvoir on ambiguity?
thank you Grace!! I have not, looks super up my alley
Great piece! Here's what I tell myself: You cannot know everything and will never know everything. Wisdom is not a static state but an ongoing process. All the decisions you make are the most coherent one you could've done given your psychic constitution and circumstances at that point in time (it's no bad parts all the way down). Regrets matter in-so-far as it helps shape a wiser, more congruent, more whole self and decisions in the present, so change the you right here right now. Lamenting the past while not doing anything about you right now is to place the burden of change on a you that can fundamentally never be changed, which is a way to avoid ever taking real responsibility. Failure is a felt result of when the finite you comes in dynamic, alive contact with the infinite this. To not fail is to be brittle, inert, and dead.
This reminds me of this idea that the genie produces disastrous results because it's taking the shortest path possible / least levers pulled to the end goal - you wish for wealth and both sets of your grandparents die and you get their inheritance money, and so on.
To have the genie produce the perfect result would require accounting for all of the possible factors in the universe, which is to say that it would be impossible. Perfection isn't something fully grokkable by us, much less reachable, and our noble nature is to strive towards it and inevitably fall short, and then do it again anyway. Given this, failure is inevitable, shortcoming is inevitable, the no-longer-having of the good situation or thing is inevitable.
What matters, it seems to me, is if I can remain grounded in and intimately with the messiness of living, while I continue to be pulled towards the infinite, driven not from a fear of failure but by a love for it, for how I ceaselessly become transformed by being in touch with it.