Really enjoyed this! Particularly the example of the basketball coach which I had not seen before.
I'm someone who is often very hard on people I care about, intentionally so. And, there have been times when my approach was wrong and I needed to change it/I did not apply the right level of gentleness given my relationship with the other person. But I think that if I truly care about someone, I should be willing to accept temporary discomfort to help them grow, or learn that I am wrong/misjudging the situation. I like that you've provided a mental model of sorts for calibrating this.
When I can reach a high level of trust with someone, I am grateful to be able to be more intense when I think it can be more helpful to the other person. Once my brother told me that "when you give me a compliment I know you mean it because you won't say something nice to me if you don't believe it, you'll tell me what you actually mean" and I think this embodies the value I see in being less gentle at times. It means that when I am more gentle it is taken with higher value and more authenticity.
I’m often thinking of gentleness and hardness as maternal/paternal love, and at different times I’ve needed varying amounts of each. For so long I was not ready for paternal love, and I needed softness, sweetness. But now that I have a stable enough base I want to be pushed! yell at me! help me be better! but it should come from a place of love, and I should be able to feel that it does. life is too strange and difficult to entertain people that are cruel.
The coach yelling at the player makes so much sense to me. My personal belief is that the level of camaraderie decides the level of gentleness. I am fairly gentle with strangers as the history of endless interactions is missing. Yet, I can be quite abrasive with my friends who know I really love them deep down and yet every now and then I would overstep and burn something real.
Its tricky because any real friendship has abrasion and tension of the otherness, if we were all clones of each other why would I even talk to you? Its your otherness and the genuine concern for you that makes me want to both be gentle and abrasive enough at the same time.
i love how you framed it around camaraderie determining the level of gentleness. it’s so true, with strangers I default to politeness and distance because there’s no earned right to anything sharper, but with my friends? holy cow we hit the road running
This is very interesting and I appreciate you laying out your thoughts about it. I have always felt that excessive gentleness is not only suboptimal, but actively harmful. I think you are underappreciating the harms of gentleness norms which enable weak behavior (e.g. holding ourselves to a low standard, white lies, lost potential for growth). The most loving way to help someone can (not uncommonly) appear harsh. But that's just my opinion as someone who could stand to develop more empathy haha
Whoa, good timing on this. I was just out on a walk when I overheard a conversation between two people who were arguing about something. One of them was talking to the other in an aggressive tone, while the other kept responding with a firm gentleness. I thought to myself: "1) this woman is a saint (the one listening) and 2) why is she just 'taking' this lol". But after reading this, I'm realizing that yeah, it's totally possible they are so comfortable with one another that the frustration/aggression/tone of voice was not only welcome but encouraged by the other's steadiness, that it might be a sign of deeper trust and love than my initial impression suggested
very interesting anecdote. yea it's hard to tell, and honestly part of me still wonders whether this kind of aggression is truly the healthiest way to communicate/motivate each other or if it's more of an intermediate stage until you no longer need such "violence" in order to create order.
would a fully awakened basketball coach yell at her players like that? I feel like I've seen anecdotes about Zen teachers yelling so I want to say yes
Really enjoyed this! Particularly the example of the basketball coach which I had not seen before.
I'm someone who is often very hard on people I care about, intentionally so. And, there have been times when my approach was wrong and I needed to change it/I did not apply the right level of gentleness given my relationship with the other person. But I think that if I truly care about someone, I should be willing to accept temporary discomfort to help them grow, or learn that I am wrong/misjudging the situation. I like that you've provided a mental model of sorts for calibrating this.
When I can reach a high level of trust with someone, I am grateful to be able to be more intense when I think it can be more helpful to the other person. Once my brother told me that "when you give me a compliment I know you mean it because you won't say something nice to me if you don't believe it, you'll tell me what you actually mean" and I think this embodies the value I see in being less gentle at times. It means that when I am more gentle it is taken with higher value and more authenticity.
this is awesome. totally agree that it makes the positive affirmations that much more meaningful when you know the person is willing to be blunt
yes exactly! had the same thought while readding this
So well said
this was such a lovely read, thank you sincerely for writing and sharing
thank you!!
I’m often thinking of gentleness and hardness as maternal/paternal love, and at different times I’ve needed varying amounts of each. For so long I was not ready for paternal love, and I needed softness, sweetness. But now that I have a stable enough base I want to be pushed! yell at me! help me be better! but it should come from a place of love, and I should be able to feel that it does. life is too strange and difficult to entertain people that are cruel.
i always think of that movie whiplash and how relationships ruled by fear versus those ruled by love have such dire different outcomes
beautifully put
Just finished reading. I struggle with being gentle to the anxious because I can’t stand how judgemental they usually are.
Im glad there are others who’ll gladly offer a gentle word 🤓
ha, fair point
The coach yelling at the player makes so much sense to me. My personal belief is that the level of camaraderie decides the level of gentleness. I am fairly gentle with strangers as the history of endless interactions is missing. Yet, I can be quite abrasive with my friends who know I really love them deep down and yet every now and then I would overstep and burn something real.
Its tricky because any real friendship has abrasion and tension of the otherness, if we were all clones of each other why would I even talk to you? Its your otherness and the genuine concern for you that makes me want to both be gentle and abrasive enough at the same time.
i love how you framed it around camaraderie determining the level of gentleness. it’s so true, with strangers I default to politeness and distance because there’s no earned right to anything sharper, but with my friends? holy cow we hit the road running
awesome
Oh man Tom's gentleness in that first interaction hit my heart in just a certain way that brought a tear up 😭😭
honestly one of the kindest, most kingly msgs I've ever gotten :')
Great essay. A reminder I needed to always step back before speaking or hitting send - to check for unnecessary harshness.
Love this!!
This is very interesting and I appreciate you laying out your thoughts about it. I have always felt that excessive gentleness is not only suboptimal, but actively harmful. I think you are underappreciating the harms of gentleness norms which enable weak behavior (e.g. holding ourselves to a low standard, white lies, lost potential for growth). The most loving way to help someone can (not uncommonly) appear harsh. But that's just my opinion as someone who could stand to develop more empathy haha
really good points! I agree, there's a lot I could critique in the gentleness norms, but I also get where they're coming from. it's tricky...
Whoa, good timing on this. I was just out on a walk when I overheard a conversation between two people who were arguing about something. One of them was talking to the other in an aggressive tone, while the other kept responding with a firm gentleness. I thought to myself: "1) this woman is a saint (the one listening) and 2) why is she just 'taking' this lol". But after reading this, I'm realizing that yeah, it's totally possible they are so comfortable with one another that the frustration/aggression/tone of voice was not only welcome but encouraged by the other's steadiness, that it might be a sign of deeper trust and love than my initial impression suggested
very interesting anecdote. yea it's hard to tell, and honestly part of me still wonders whether this kind of aggression is truly the healthiest way to communicate/motivate each other or if it's more of an intermediate stage until you no longer need such "violence" in order to create order.
would a fully awakened basketball coach yell at her players like that? I feel like I've seen anecdotes about Zen teachers yelling so I want to say yes